Many times over the years, I’ve written a blog about how hard this is, and I’ve been clear that I wasn’t looking for pity or to make you feel bad for me. It’s really been more about providing general updates, and hoping to help educate some. But honestly, yeah, sometimes, it’s just good to commiserate with you. Sometimes I just want to say it feels like more than I can handle. Today is one of those times. I know there are a lot of people who have it a lot worse than I do, so it feels ungrateful to just dump and complain. But today, I’m going to straight up dump and complain.
I’m so sick of things being hard. I almost named this blog “simplifying is so complicated”. Let me walk you through it. I had the most amazing surprise of my life when my wife and some friends threw me this awesome celebration at my 5 year anniversary. So many people from all parts of my life. So much love. My favorite Michelle Malone playing some tunes. It was everything. And then it feels like all hell broke loose…
That week, we also closed on both houses and moved (out of a house of 18 years into a smaller house close-by all in one day). I wouldn’t say either closing was particularly smooth or painless, but we were super excited about this new house – it was all about simplifying, downsizing, making life easier for us. I SAID EASIER BY THE WAY. And listen, we decided to do this in March, and it was non-stop cleaning and organizing packing and some upgrades, followed by what felt like twohundredtwelve showings (so you know, look like you don’t live there AT ALL, pack up the dog and leave). Oh yeah, and still in treatment and working during all this. So it’s been a LOT.
Closing week, I also had labs and treatment. At that point, my CA125 doubled. That’s the warning sign – not just movement, but a doubled number. OK, it’s been stressful. And I have out of control arthritis which is inflammation. CA125 is so notoriously unreliable – and it does measure inflammation. But it’s also been pretty accurate for me. So there’s some additional stress on top of stress.
Just short of two weeks into the new house and we moved our son into his new apartment in Athens for his transfer to UGA (GO DAWGS), and we FINALLY had our master bathroom remodel completed (because we decided to do that during move in). So we thought, ok, here it is, we’re not finished unpacking, but we can have some peace – no workers, just us to finish settling in in our own way. And then, like 5 minutes later, we had a toilet that overflowed and learned we have a main line blockage under the slab. And tonight that story got even worse. Not only is that bathroom torn up, but the problem actually exists between the hall bathroom and the master bathroom. So yeah, they have to tear that one up too. The one we just finished. If feels like we’re never going to get settled in. It was bad enough to hear the jackhammer digging up one bathroom. Now we’ll have both bathrooms unavailable to us for some period of time. First fix the problem, then drywall, tile, paint, and all the carpet will have to be replaced too. Thankfully insurance will pay for a lot of this because it was a plumbing problem that caused the water damage.
In the end, this is about logistics more than anything. And finding peace in the chaos. Because wow chaos. ALL the chaos. Workers in the house all day, noise, dust, gravel, noise, and just stress. It’s hard to find the peace here. And I think that is so important. Stress is bad for cancer growth, so how do you keep from being stressed in all this? And how do you stop feeling stressed ABOUT the stress?
This week we’ll know more about how long this will last and what it will look like. I also have my last appointment with Dr B tomorrow which is super sad for me, and still a little scary. And I’m seeing a rheumatologist and hope to get some help for my pain. Then I’ll also have labs and treatment again. I hope that number comes back down. I am affirming that it will come down and that this isn’t a recurrence. And I’m scared anyway.
My inclination here is to apologize for complaining. I mean, I am alive and thriving and able to make a move like this after 5 years of hard treatment. And that’s all true and wonderful. But I’m not going to apologize or feel bad about saying it feels like I’ve hit the wall. I’m just going to feel sorry for myself right now. I need it to get easier. We are both pretty over this hard route for everything. I mean wow. Anyway, we’re kind of a mess over here. And we could both use all your love and light this week – for all of this, the health scare, and all the things that affect that. And our mental health could use some support too. It’s just a lot.