My Natural State

This picture is me in my natural state. Those of you who know me well won’t be surprised by that. I had 7 visitors in the hospital last week (plus Dara) and we were so raucous and loud we got in trouble twice (although honestly the nurses loved it). More on that later.

First, my update… It’s Friday and we are celebrating that it was the first normal week. Week 1 – hospital and diagnosis. Week 2 – bad, scary reaction to chemo. Week 3 – UTI, and emergency admission to the hospital for a blood clot in my lung. This week, it was labs, my first dr. appointment, and chemo – no emergencies! That is exciting. My friend Allie shaved my head over the weekend and thankfully I have a normal shaped head with no big lumps or divots. I am still losing the stubble and ready for a smooth head. Currently it is much like a large Velcro patch, sticking to all cloth items and attracting random threads and lint 24 hours a day. It’s quite lovely.

The doctor appointment went well – Dr. Benigno is a fantastic doctor who encourages the most positive outlook. I love his attitude. When I asked him about how best to be educated without getting into a bunch of statistics I’d like to avoid, he said “you meet with me once a month and you bring me every single question or topic you’d like to discuss and I will educate you.” Perfect answer. For those inquiring minds, here are some of the details from the doctor visit… The tumor marker from bloodwork that is related to ovarian cancer is CA 125. Mine was 1368 upon diagnosis. He wants to see it under 20. I thought 1368 sounded high but he said he has seen it in the 10,000 range. It will be interesting to see what it is after a month of chemo – should have that in the next week or so. The types of tumors I have are papillary cirrus – according to him, the type that is most responsive to chemo. Yay! My surgery will be scheduled likely late in October, maybe early November and they will remove whatever tumors are left along with my uterus, tubes, ovaries, appendix, lymph nodes, and omentum (yeah I had to look it up) – so basically everything that is non-essential in the area and could be a risk for recurrence. The most amazing thing is that if the chemo works well, then it’s possible this could all be done robotically, dramatically reducing my hospital stay and recovery period, so that’s our focus now.

Back to my natural state. Clearly, everyone reacts differently to a diagnosis like this. I’m beginning to wonder if most are different from me. I look around the infusion center and most people are very sad. It’s just not how I’m built. I was raised with a strong faith in God in a home that believed in prayer. I firmly believe in the power of prayer and for those that don’t pray, for the healing thoughts and love sent my way. I know it works. I meditate and pray every single day. Add to that a healthy dose of glass-half-full attitude with which I was born, and I am really at peace with where I am right now. People who see me or talk to me on the phone seem surprised by my energy and my zest for life. It’s just me – it’s how I live my life. Listen, I have good days and not so good days, with very few bad days mixed in so far. How is that different from any of you? My bad days are different perhaps, but maybe no worse than yours. Do I have moments of fear? Absolutely. Have I allowed myself to go down the “what if” paths? Sure. But I don’t stay there. I can’t give them power. Some might say I’m in denial. I’m okay with that. I deny all the negative thoughts about this journey. I’m not a statistic so I don’t care what they say. When I am receiving chemo, I used to visualize a small army coming in through Gladys The Power Port to wage war on the cancer cells. Then I decided I didn’t like the violent imagery and instead began to visualize being flooded with pure Love and Light. And where that goes, it drives out all darkness and not-love. Every. Single. Time.

I believe in the divine healing that is taking place in my body. And if down the road something changes in my prognosis, I will still choose to live my life out loud, drinking up every single bit of happiness and joy I can absorb. Because that’s who I am. So, pray me up hard, love me up hard, visit, email, call, and write to tell me you’re thinking of me because that helps me stay in this place of love and healing, but please don’t respond to me like I’m distressed and depressed because I’m dying, because that’s just not where I am with it.



24 thoughts on “My Natural State

  1. YES!!! That’s the Ann I know and love!!! You can’t imagine how much I miss your positive spirit around “here”. I can’t wait to come see you. This is the way to go Ann, P O S I T I V E all the way and no, it’s not denial, it’s called LIVING!!!


  2. Ann, I am sending more good, strong thoughts your way. I love how you have taken the reins for your journey, including your positive attitude. Kick it!


  3. Your philosophy is the same as ours was when Rowen was born! Be positive, put one foot in front of the other, and cross each bridge when you get to it! You go Ann Pinyan! 👍


  4. Ann, you are such an inspiration! I love you so much. You are right, your mind and heart are a center of Divine operation. You are being flooded in many ways with love, and light, and healing mojo! .So pretty much like any other day! Kiss Da for me!


  5. I have tremendous admiration for you and would like to believe that if I were in your shoes I would handle it as well as you are sending prayers your way

    Karen Knowles



  6. Ann, your attitude is truly inspiring and I so enjoyed reading your blog. I will be sending my positive thoughts your way.


  7. I would expect nothing different from you! You are so much yourself! Thanks so much for sharing your journey. You are truly the beloved child of God.


  8. Ann, you are such a blazing blast of inspirational energy. I have no doubt those cells are waiving the red flag, retreating with their cell tails between their legs, wondering “how the hell did we end up in this imdomitable being, we don’t stand a chance!” I’m going to text you tomorrow and see if you’re up for a visit. I have always loved any opportunity to bask in your incredible energy. If it’s not a good day, I’ll ask again another day. Love you, you badass.


  9. Along with all your other talents, you’re a gifted writer! So glad this week was better and I love the picture that you posted of yourself laughing. Sending prayers and happy thoughts your way, Ann! 😄👍


  10. Ann, you are awesome and can and will get thru this. A dear friend of mine was diagnosed stage 4 ovarian cancer more than two years ago. She isn’t out of the woods, but I would say her life is richer than ever because of the amazing people she has met on her journey and the love she has experienced in the process. If you are interested in speaking with her, let me know. She is an incredible researcher and attributes her survival to her determination to use both traditional and alternative therapies. Love to you and Dara. Scottie


  11. Ann, you are right one. Mom and I feel like we are the only ones laughing and cutting up at the infusion center. For us, it is also about faith, prayer, and keeping positive. Together we are all going to beat this! Thanks for inspiring others and keeping us laughing!


  12. Ann – I love your picture and yes, that is your natural state. It is good to read you are celebrating your first normal week. I am thinking of you and your loved ones.



  13. Denial they way you do it is a wonderful thing-I encourage more to be in denial-full of hope, courage, spirit and determination, full of love, prayer, meditation, and the odd bits of chemo. I share your denial and delight in your positivity and your Pinyon brand of denial. More power to you!


  14. Truly just another day for our dear, resilient, brilliant, kooky friend. We’re both cut from the same cloth…and might I mention, on the bias 😉

    Keep on kickin’ it!


  15. Ann, you are so very inspirational! In-Spirit! And as you are lifted up I envision the entire clan at the chemo disco room lighting up and all the meds infusing light and love into you, the Rock Star, and the rest of the bandmates, nurses, docs, and all other personnel on stage …. illuminating, empowering ,spiraling throughout the establishment into the whole wide world. Just as you glance around you send that intention as You and as them in our Oneness (thank you for me too). The c is just an energy begging for someone like you to return it to its Divine Birthright — Light and Love!! You Rock! And you love it, sing it free — so powerful! Love & Light surrounds, enfolds and empowers you and wherever you are, God/Goddess/Light/Love is!! xoxoxoxox


  16. THIS is definitely my favorite post yet. Your positivity, sense of humor, and faith are incredible…. girl, you made me cry! 🙂


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